Wendy Wong, Author at YMI

What I Wish My Younger Self Knew About Lust

Wendy Wong — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 02:00:09 +0000

Dear Younger Self,

You have just said “yes”, however reluctantly and fearfully, to a relationship with someone. You’re wondering whether you made the right choice in committing yourself to know him. There’s still so much you don’t know about him, and your future together hangs above your head like a giant question mark.

Rest assured: this man you just said yes to will eventually be your husband and father of your child (gasp, yes, you—a mother!). And yes—he’s “the one” !

Being in a relationship is going to be a rollercoaster ride—you’ll experience the adrenaline rush, the butterflies in your stomach, the giddy infatuation of falling in love, the late nights texting and talking, the dates where you coyly get to know each other.

But there’s one thing I need to warn you about.

In a few months’ time, you’re going to struggle with lust, and it’s going to be a messy, exhausting, tearful, long-drawn battle up till the day you say “I do”. And I’m sad to say that a lot of it will stem from these three lies that you will—or already—believe about sex and intimacy:

1. A hug is just a hug

You’ve just held hands with your boyfriend for the very first time earlier today, your palms all sweaty from nervousness.

It seems like a lot, but as the both of you get to know each other, you’ll begin to wonder: Is a hug okay? What about cuddling? Or kissing?

I hate to break it to you, but there’s going to be so much confusion and compromise in the next few months because both of you didn’t clearly commit to the physical boundaries that you both are convicted by.

While you agree that physical boundaries are helpful in theory, they become much harder to put into practice when both of you view physical touch differently. For example, one of you will enjoy hugs and holding hands because that’s your love language, but the other will be more cautious because of the emotional implications and physical temptations that touch can arouse within them.

This isn’t helped by the fact that many couples around us are openly affectionate—so if others can do it without slipping down the slippery slope of temptation, why can’t we?

Song of Solomon 8:4, however, advises: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” What this means is that we don’t go too fast in being physically (and emotionally) intimate in our relationship, such that we stir up passions that consume us before the time is right.

From the get-go, discuss appropriate physical boundaries that can guide both of you till your wedding day. Hear from one another about your past relationships and experiences with physical intimacy, what physical touch as a love language means to you, and how you can show love to each other—even without physical affection in the picture. You can then better understand each other’s needs and agree on your relationship’s rules on physical intimacy.

While you might feel shy about broaching the topic because you don’t want to be seen as too “extreme” so early on, doing so will only do good in bringing clarity to your relationship. And he will be more than happy to listen to what you have to say—he isn’t into you just for the physical affection . . . which brings me to the next lie.

2. He doesn’t love you if he doesn’t sexually desire you

The day will come, pretty soon in the future, when you’ll begin to wonder whether your boyfriend really loves you if he’s not “making any moves”.

All this will be linked to your misconceptions about love and sexual desire that are partly influenced by a past relationship, a non-believer friend who’ll share intimate details about her relationship (and her astonishment when she learns that your boyfriend hasn’t made his move on you), and a lot of it just by living in this world and being shaped by its culture that spells love as sex and vice versa.

Because of this, you’re going to feel pangs of insecurity that perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really love you because he hasn’t been physically intimate with you.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Your boyfriend hasn’t tried to be intimate with you because he loves you. You already know what 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (emphasis added) says:

Love is patient, love is kind . . . It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking . . . Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What does a God-fearing, God-honouring love really look like? It patiently waits for sexual intimacy in the covenantal relationship of marriage. It doesn’t selfishly satisfy one’s carnal desires, dishonouring the other in the process. It doesn’t find delight in doing what is sinful. And, it always promises to protect the other person sacrificially and selflessly.

Your boyfriend will show that he doesn’t merely lust after you, but he truly loves you with his love shaped and motivated by God’s holy Word. You’ll see this in how he is “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19)—even when you’re the exact opposite. He will go out of his way to serve, protect, and care for you, like travelling long distances to send you home, and waking up at 3 a.m. to pray with you when you work morning shifts (Ephesians 5:25-29). He will be faithful to you as his girlfriend, and later on his wife, by not looking lustfully at other women (Job 31:1; Matthew 5:28).

So don’t be deceived: love is way more than lust.

3. It’s too hard to wait

My dear younger self, this is probably the biggest lie that you and your boyfriend will be ensnared by: waiting to consummate your marriage is too hard.

It’s only natural that the more time you spend together, the more you’ll want to grow closer together in every aspect of intimacy. After all, God designed man and woman to be united in marriage to “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

But in the leadup to your wedding day, the both of you will unfortunately struggle with desire for one another, no thanks to the two other lies you believe about intimacy. It certainly doesn’t help when you see your unbelieving (and even some believing!) couple friends go on staycations and travel overseas together. Eventually, thoughts like these will pop up uninvited in your mind:

“You’re already getting married soon, anyway! What’s the harm?”
“If they can do it, why can’t we?”
“It’s so hard to part from one another. I wish we could just stay together all the time.”

Because you think it’s too hard to wait, there will be a part of you that doesn’t quite want to wait. The more we believe these lies, the more we will slowly but surely be led astray by them, inevitably leading us to cave to our sinful cravings.

As James 1:14-15 warns: “Each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

Don’t believe and live out a lie. Romans 12:1-2 exhorts:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Let that sink in. Recall the costly sacrifice Christ paid on our behalf, and reflect on God’s mercy. Our response to that should be one of repentance, gratitude, and worship—to live each day in holiness and do what will please our heavenly Father. This is also why we ought to seek to renew our minds “in knowledge in the image of [our] Creator” (Colossians 3:10), by reading and meditating on Scripture.

To ward off these lies fed to us by the world, we want to hold on to what God’s living Word says.

It tells us that His will for us is to control our own body and to live in purity and holiness (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). It tells us to honour marriage and keep the marriage bed pure, and that God will judge the sexually immoral (Hebrews 13:4). And it tells us that God is faithful, and will provide us the way out when we face temptations so that we can endure them (1 Corinthians 10:13).

When we let these truths take root in us, then we’ll come to see that it’s not hard to wait. When you finally get married, you will cleave to one another as one flesh, with neither guilt, shame, nor fear. And you will look back and wonder why you spent so much time—and tears—thinking that you couldn’t wait.

What will keep your marriage going

During your courtship, an older sister in Christ will remark: “Sex can be a great bonding experience in marriage. But it’s not the only thing that will keep your marriage going.”

Marriage will be hard. Some days, sexual intimacy will be hard. You will get mad at him, and he at you. There will be differences, disagreements, and disappointments.

What will enable you and your husband to get through these hard knocks will not be the sexual desire you feel for one another—it will be the spiritual intimacy the both of you have with, and share in, Christ.

So, as you mark this major milestone at the dawn of your relationship, remember to fight these lies on lust. Draw God-glorifying physical boundaries in your courtship, ground yourself in the definition of godly love, and ask the Lord for the endurance to wait for marriage—so that in time to come, you can look back on this season of courtship with relief and gratitude, knowing that by His grace, the both of you have won this battle over lust.

Love,
Your Older Self

The post What I Wish My Younger Self Knew About Lust appeared first on YMI.

How “Don’t Look Up” Reveals Our Reactions to Christ’s Return

Wendy Wong — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 02:00:53 +0000

Editor’s note: This review contains mild spoilers.

“There’s a 100 percent chance that we’re all going to die!”

That’s the stark message of the Oscar-nominated film Don’t Look Up, which tells the story of two astronomers attempting to warn the world about a comet that will soon destroy the entire planet—but who are instead met with scorn and ridicule.

The apocalyptic black comedy has been nominated not once, not twice, but four times for the upcoming Oscars: Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing, and Best Score.

After watching it, I understand why it’s been so raved about: it’s dark, funny, ridiculous—and it hits a raw nerve. While the movie satirises the current debate over climate change, I couldn’t help but notice its parallels with how we react to Christ’s return, which is just as—if not more—certain and apocalyptic. (After all, that’s how we got the word ‘apocalypse’: it’s the “uncovering, disclosure, revelation” of the end times, marked by Christ’s return.)

Here’s how Don’t Look Up captures our reactions to this imminent reality:

1. We don’t believe that Christ will return one day.

Upon discovering the comet’s trajectory towards earth, astronomy PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky and her professor Dr Randall Mindy attempt to warn the president about its impact, which would have the power of a “billion Hiroshima bombs”. However, their urgent pleadings for immediate action are met with disbelief, indifference, and mockery from the country’s top leader.

The same thing happens when they go on a morning show in a bid to convince the public. It quickly goes downhill when their solemn speech is overtaken by frivolous banter and jokes from the hosts, prompting Dibiasky to lose her cool. This sparks off a slew of Internet memes making fun of her rant.

It’s a funny but tragic scene, because it shows how we can often treat the hardest truths with inappropriate—and dangerous—lightness.

In Matthew 24, Jesus warns that His return will be preceded by signs of the end times. After which, “All the peoples of the earth will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory” (v. 30).

On one hand, the reality of Christ’s return may seem terribly far-fetched when we’re surrounded by the immediacy and mundanity of everyday life. On the other hand, we may come across as delusional when we try to share about Christ with others.

The question is, do we really believe in Jesus and His promised return? If so, how far are we willing to go to point others to look up—in spite of the cost?

2. We drag our feet in preparing for Christ’s return.

When Dibiasky, Mindy, and Dr Teddy Oglethorpe, the head of NASA’s Planetary Defense Coordination Office, inform the president about the impending comet-killer, her response stuns them: “I say . . . we sit tight and assess.”

Despite knowing that there’s a 100 percent certainty of its impact, President Janie Orlean and her son and Chief of Staff, Jason, have absolutely zero sense of urgency. Because of their lackadaisical attitude, precious time is wasted that could’ve been spent preparing for and diverting the comet.

We may believe that Christ will return. But we may also fail to prepare for it. Time and time again, Jesus emphasises the need for us to keep watch and be ready for His arrival, which will happen when we least expect it to (Matthew 24:42, 44).

I confess I find it hard to accept that Christ could return within my lifetime. After all, I’m still young, I’ve got things to do, and I’ve got the rest of my life to do them . . . right?

Yet 1 Thessalonians 5:1–4 warns us:

You know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly, as labour pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief.

So, what does being prepared look like? It means to “be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet”, and to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5: 8–9, 11).

May we not drag our feet in preparing for Christ’s momentous return, but to be vigilant in our faith, hope, and love for Christ.

3. We’re distracted by worldly desires.

Throughout the film, Dibiasky and Mindy attempt to raise awareness of the comet in whatever way they can—from leaking the news to the media to organising a campaign on social media urging people to “Just Look Up”. Yet more often than not, they’re met with nonchalance, mockery, and accusations of alarmism, driven not only by disbelief, but also by people’s competing desires.

President Orlean initially refuses to acknowledge the comet because she’s preoccupied with her political ambitions and popularity ratings. She eventually chooses to act on it, but only when it becomes politically expedient for her. Then, when she finds out about the potentially lucrative value of mining the comet for its assets, she immediately aborts the mission at the very last minute.

When Mindy asks what trillions of dollars matter if they’re all going to die, he’s met with derision.

Earlier on in the movie, when Dibiasky and Mindy go on live television to share their findings, they’re told to keep it “light and fun”. Their interview is squeezed between entertainment segments of a pop star’s breakup and live reconciliation with her cheating boyfriend, which captivates viewers’ attention far more than news of their imminent death.

Another telling scene shows the unveiling of a new mobile phone called BASH LiiF, which promises “life, without the stress of living.” One of its features is it automatically responds to any negative feelings—such as sadness, fear, or loneliness—with funny animal videos and scheduled therapy sessions, so that “these sad feelings never ever ever return.”

As I watched it, I confess that I could see the same competing desires at play within me: how I often find solace in silly videos than in my Saviour, how I worry over my bank account instead of trusting in my Provider, and how I seek to curate my image rather than to reflect the image of Christ.

Our lukewarm response to the gospel of life stands in disturbing contrast to how we so easily embrace the messages of this world—plunging ourselves into vapid celebrity gossip, scandalous political controversies, and mind-numbing social media.

First John 2:15–17 exhorts us:

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Just Look Up

Don’t Look Up is a chilling reflection of how we simply don’t want to hear bad news, even if it’s true. And when confronted with it, we can choose to deny it, drag our feet, or distract ourselves instead.

The refrain of the movie tells us to just look up to what’s plainly there.

As believers, would we look up and prepare for Christ’s return, as God’s Word repeatedly tells us to?

Or will we continue to choose, every day, every moment, not to look up, instead fixing our gaze on our worldly desires?

As the comet is about to impact earth, a scruffy and surprisingly likeable character, Yule, leads the protagonists in prayer over their last meal:

Dearest Father and Almighty Creator, we ask for your grace tonight, despite our pride; your forgiveness, despite our doubt. Most of all, Lord, we ask for your love to soothe us through these dark times. May we face whatever is to come in your divine will with courage and open hearts of acceptance. Amen.

Like Yule, may we humble ourselves in repentance before our Father and Creator, not just on the last day of our life on earth, but every single day He graciously gives to us before He returns or calls us home.

The post How “Don’t Look Up” Reveals Our Reactions to Christ’s Return appeared first on YMI.

3 Keys to Keeping God at the Centre of Your Relationships | YMI

Wendy Wong — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 02:00:19 +0000

Dating is fun. There’s no doubt about it.

Especially in the early days as you’re getting to know each other, through a flurry of text messages, cafe and movie dates, or a stroll in the park or museum, dating is a pleasure when it’s all about enjoying one another’s company.

But a relationship isn’t just built on that adrenaline rush you get from locking eyes, or hearing your partner’s voice, or when you indulge in your similar taste in music and books. It’s got to be built on something stronger, something that will endure the test of time, and that will carry the both of you through disagreements (yes, you will have many of them), weaknesses (yours and your partner’s), and both of your very inherently flawed sinful natures.

For us as believers, that foundation is Christ—not our likeable quirks and personalities, how well we speak or communicate, or how much money we have. Here are three keys to keeping Christ at the centre of our relationships.

1. Commit yourself and your relationship to Christ

All Christians know dating rule #1: do not be yoked together with unbelievers (1 Corinthians 6:14). It can’t be stressed enough that a partner who loves and pursues Christ is fundamental—not just for our relationship, but for the sake of our and our partner’s faith.

Even before committing ourselves to a relationship, it would be wise to find out where our partner stands in their walk with Jesus. Prayerfully discern and check ourselves: am I, first of all, someone who treasures Christ above all (Luke 14:26)? Next, find out: is my (potential) partner someone who loves Christ and His church (1 John 2:3–6)?

Let’s be intentional about keeping Christ at the centre of our lives and courtship. We can reflect on our relationship every so often by asking these questions: what did we do well in? What did we not do so well in? What could we improve on?

Ask ourselves whether we are drawing each other closer to Christ, or drifting away from Him. Confess and repent in prayer if we need to, and ask the Lord to help us to love Him more than one another.

The good news is that it’s never too late to talk about our commitment to Christ. It’s not a one-time, pre-courtship conversation. Instead, it should be a regular check-in with God on our own and as a couple.

2. Commit to knowing Christ together

The way we grow together in knowing, loving, obeying, and serving the Lord together is pretty much the same way we’d do it as single: through spiritual disciplines such as prayer and worship, the study and meditation of His Word, attending church regularly, and having fellowship with other Christians (more on that later).

Continue to grow in our walk with the Lord on our own, and find ways to do that as a couple, too. Prayer should be foundational to our relationships. Keep praying for each other throughout all phases of the relationship, whether you’re getting to know each other as friends, discerning whether or not to enter into a relationship, commencing courtship, dating, going through the ups and downs of married life, or even preparing for your little one.

Whenever either one of you is feeling down and out, remind each other of the sovereignty, goodness, and faithfulness of our Saviour. When you don’t have the answers, lead each other in prayer to remind each other of who He is and who we are in Him. When either of your faith is wavering in a cloud of spiritual depression, help to lift up each other’s eyes back to God by gently pointing to the Scriptures.

Practicing such spiritual disciplines together can help mould within us a Christlike mind-set (Romans 12:2), which is much-needed amid the noise and clamour from the world—whether from the media or unbelieving friends—on what dating ought to look like.

3. Commit to surrounding yourself with fellow believers.

No man—or woman—is an island, whether in faith or dating. Fellowship with believers is absolutely essential to our mutual edification and upbuilding, and in helping us through life’s difficulties (Hebrews 10:24–25; Ecclesiastes 4:9–12). Thankfully, we have the privilege of fellowship with brethren who can do just that for us, as we go through the different life seasons of courtship, engagement, marriage, and even, parenthood.

Take time to know each other in group settings, such as visiting one another’s churches and introducing each other to your circle of friends. Get to know the people who have journeyed with your partner through the years.

You could also find an older couple to be your spiritual mentors with whom you can share about the things you’re facing, from relationship woes and personality differences, to wedding planning and relating to your future in-laws.

Surround yourself with older brothers and sisters who can look out for you, and give you wise advice and counsel. For example, if you stumble in purity, account yourselves to them and ask them to keep you in prayer. In doing so, you can experience godly wisdom, encouragement, and support in these lowest of times, when it feels like you’re walking through a “dark valley” of temptations in your relationship.

Whether you’re already into your days of dating, or looking forward to them one day, now is always the right time to pray and ask the Lord to bless you with a partner who loves Him and leads you in loving Him, for the Holy Spirit to guide you in your mutual pursuit of Christ, and for a community of believers who can rally around you with their prayers, presence, and practical advice.

By God’s grace, He will help the both of you keep Christ at the centre of your relationship and lives.

The post 3 Keys to Keeping God at the Centre of Your Relationships | YMI appeared first on YMI.

How I Knew My Husband Was “The One”

Wendy Wong — Mon, 19 Oct 2020 09:00:31 +0000

Photos by Asher Ong Photography

Wendy and David on their wedding day.

It’s been more than a year since my husband David and I officially became man and wife, after two years and three months of courtship. (Even today, it feels strange to think that I’m a wife, his wife! What a homely, archaic word . . .)

During our courtship, friends, family and colleagues would ask, out of curiosity and wonder and a certain shyness: How did you know he was the one? The one you chose to enter into a relationship with, the one you chose to commit to, the one you wanted to marry?

Who Is “The One”?

If I were still a single in my early twenties, I’d bristle at this phrasing. I didn’t believe there was such a person, the way I did when I was growing up and inundated with romantic notions of ‘the one’: a boy I’d lay eyes on from afar, with just one glance taking us into the depths of each other’s souls and back, our personalities clicking like a lock and key, our souls immediately intertwining in love.

As a teenager, I’d lie in bed and wonder what my future husband was doing at that very moment, wherever he was in this world. He was breathing, blinking, thinking, living, and I wondered: When would we meet? How would we react? Would I know that he was the one?

But as I tasted for myself the bitterness of a breakup, realized the youthful folly of acting on an infatuation, and witnessed the destructive consequences of toxic relationships around me, I thought I finally understood that love was a fairytale notion that didn’t exist.

Years later, when I actually did meet David as a freshman sitting in our first global studies tutorial class, I barely noticed him. All I remember of that shared class in our first semester of university was that he was a Christian, was very tall, and had a sweet and gentle disposition. My interactions with him were limited to a wave and casual “hi” in the classroom, but that was it.

The closest I’d even considered David as a potential partner was when a friend pointed out that his friend was cute. I laughed and told her that he wasn’t my type.

“I think David is more husband material,” I mused.

My friend side-eyed me, we burst out laughing and our conversation moved on, as did my time in university.

Those 4.5 years consisted of a flash of encounters with different people from different majors from different faculties, and David was one of the many faces that came and went.

And as I came to know The One, the idea of the one, a mere boy, began to lose its technicolor, dreamlike quality to me. It was as if I had been craving for that KitKat flashing on every other TV ad, and which everyone else around me was snacking on, when all of a sudden, a 99 per cent cocoa bar was placed in my hands.

Of course, that didn’t mean that I didn’t yearn for a partner. What I scorned was the soul-consuming search for an ever-elusive boyfriend, whom I believed could never meet all my needs like God could. More importantly, I began to understand what love really was all about according to God’s very own Word, and as perfectly embodied on the cross of Jesus.

Coming up with My “Non-Negotiables” List

“What do you look out for in a potential partner?” A girl in my prayer group asked, as we sat at our faculty canteen in between our classes.

As a third year, pragmatic university student, I didn’t believe in setting standards, because that’d mean setting myself up for disappointment, based on what I knew of romantic love.

I did have a secret set of boxes to tick off in a future partner: someone who liked to run or hit the gym, had a similar taste in music (think Bon Iver and the like), and a love for historical fiction as I did, amongst others . . . of course, I’d never admit that out loud.

As we shared our own experiences with relationships, my peer encouraged to come up with a list of ‘non-negotiables’, or qualities in our future partner that we wanted to see, so that we’d be clear on what we wanted and wouldn’t settle for anything less.

So that night I went home and journaled, and as I did so, I wrote and prayed over a list of qualities:

Loves God authentically
Kind
Earnest
Caring
Able to communicate his feelings
Sensitive to the needs of others
Not rude, mean, or violent

I committed this to God, closed my journal and went to bed, with a tinge of nervousness and excitement—but mostly peace.

How God Answered My Prayer with David

In hindsight, I see how God was so good and gracious to answer this timid prayer of mine with David. Because he embodies every single quality I had prayed for—and more.

He’s not perfect and neither am I, but time and time again, I’ve experienced his commitment, love and forgiveness—even when I choose to slip out of his grasp, when I turn away from his affections, and when I act like a grumpy cat, as a popular meme perfectly encapsulates.

In all this, I’ve witnessed how his love for me is built on his love for Christ, faith in God, and obedience to the leading of the Spirit.

Looking back, it’s also interesting to see how God has a sense of humor, because He didn’t give me what I didn’t ask for: David doesn’t like to break a sweat, can’t quite appreciate Bon Iver, and has never read Harry Potter (gasp). But I’ve come to realize that these things are ultimately inconsequential in the bigger picture of life together in marriage.

Today, I’m proud to say that he chooses to take the stairs with me, we’ve found a music middle ground in Ed Sheeran and Christian instrumental, and I’ve picked up his hobby of reading and meditating on God’s Word for hours.

Since saying ‘yes’ to David over three years ago, my certainty and commitment to him grows ever stronger and deeper everyday. Not because he can anticipate all my needs, meet all my wants, or fulfill my deepest desires, but because he points me towards the One who can and does.

That is how I knew that he was, and is, the one.

Here is what love is. It is not that we loved God. It is that he loved us and sent his Son to give his life to pay for our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us this much, we should also love one another. No one has ever seen God. But if we love one another, God lives in us. His love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:10-12, NIRV)

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on the writer’s blog here. This version has been edited by YMI.

The post How I Knew My Husband Was “The One” appeared first on YMI.